2007-09-01 - 11:57 a.m.
NEW MEMENTO MUSEUM OPENS
By Peter Fredson, Esq.
September 1, 2007
In an attempt to bring culture to historically ignorant people we have just opened a new museum across the street from the Creation Museum. At this time we strongly urge you and your family to visit the MUSEUM OF MEMENTOS, just opened to the public.
Museum of Mementos is open from 12:00 to 12:20 daily except Weekdays, Holidays and Weekends. Admission $14.30. Children under 2, unaccompanied by adults, Free.
This is the MUSEUM OF MEMENTOS (Sorry, but the photographs we took, to illustrate this information bulletin, did not develop properly.
Each of the following exhibits is protected by a glass case, with a large label. Photographs of each exhibit were to be included in this article, but the reflections from glass made all the negatives come out woozy. Sorry.
Please use your imagination to fill in the space. Admission $14.30.
PICTURE: This is a hypodermic syringe and needle used by ELVIS just before his untimely death, although he was seen in Rockaway, Maine, recently.
PICTURE: This is the very light bulb invented by Fortesque Snarkle, of Paramount, NJ, two days after Thomas Edison patented his own version of the light bulb. Otherwise we would now be using Snarkle Bulbs.
PICTURE: This is a Replica of the very first rocket to be sent to the moon just after the Civil War. Unfortunately it only went up 120 feet, and sideways 1 mile, before crashing into the Summer Home of General Robert E. Lee, severely injuring 2 chickens and 1 black mammy.
PICTURE: This is the very cannon that shot the "SHOT HEARD AROUND THE WORLD". Actually it was the inventor's screaming, (as parts of him went down what is now Highway 10,) that was heard all over New Jersey and parts of Pennsylvania.
PICTURE: This is the very kite used by Benjamin Franklin's brother, Ike, as he tried to duplicate the famous experiment with a kite in an electrical storm. Unfortunately, he was never seen again, although his scorched shoes were found after the storm.
PICTURE: This is the very nail and hammer, which gave rise to the saying "You hit the nail right on the head". It still works real good.
PICTURE: This is a plaster cast of the original BIGFOOT taken from a set of footprints in the backyard of Joseph McGillicuddy after a rain storm, during which Joe looked out of the window and saw a shadowy figure. It is a lie that Joe was recovering from delirium tremens.
PICTURE: We are told by the owner of this bicycle, that Paul Revere did NOT use a horse during his famous ride, during which he shouted: "THE BRITISH ARE COMING." Indeed, this is the very Bike that Paul used during his famous ride and was sold to us at a bargain price.
PICTURE: This is one of the original stones which gave rise to that saying, "We left no Stones unturned." Certainly this original stone was turned, several times. We also have in the museum storehouse, a stone that was NEVER turned.
PICTURE: This is the original motorcycle that drove the Pony Express out of business. Two letters in the saddlebags, undelivered, marked "Occupant" confirm the story of the original owner, Mr. Pancho Sanchez, of East Rahway, N.J.
PICTURE: This was the original bolt left over from building the famous BROOKLYN BRIDGE, bought from the man, Billy Gooch, who bought the Bridge last year from the owner who happened to be standing near the bridge at the time. What a Coincidence!
PICTURE: This is the original bucket which Mrs. Leary’s cow kicked over, which in turn started the famous San Francisco Fire. We got the bucket from the great-great-grand niece of Mrs. O’Leary, June Rose, who was using it as a flower pot before we discovered the name of O’Leary on the side. Another piece of our heritage saved!
PICTURE: Here is a famous axe brought to Plymouth by the MAYFLOWER. It was used by the pioneers to cut down trees. It is in nearly original condition, having had the handle replaced 4 times and the head only twice. It reportedly cut the heads off all the turkeys for the first Thanksgiving feast.
PICTURE: This is a rock from Jackson’s Mill in West Virginia. We were assured by the farmer who sold it to us, that General Stonewall Jackson himself had thrown it at a recalcitrant volunteer. Real Civil War memento!
PICTURE: This is a limb from the cherry tree that George Washington cut down when he was a youth. It was used to wallop young George and teach him honesty. Unfortunately, it was used in 1941, in an army camp in New Jersey to roast marshallows. But the slight scorching of the end does not lessen its historical appeal.
PICTURE: This is the flashlight that Paul Revere would have used to warn of the coming of British troops, if flashlights had been invented then.
PICTURE: Here is a pretty rock from Rock Cave. It could have been used by prehistoric Indians for natural purposes.
PICTURE: Here is another oblong rock from Rock Island. It was probably used by primitive woodsmen for unnatural purposes. Shame!
PICTURE: This piece of wood came from Mt. Ararat and found by a reliable person who assured us that it came from an ark-like object.
Many more historical objects, too numerous to mention, are also available for viewing. Bring the entire family!
We accept all genuine historical artifacts in our museum, and any contribution will receive a free pass to visit the museum during regular visiting hours. Our aim is to save the valuable heritage of our country for future generations of dumb slobs that otherwise would never get the benefit of seeing genuine history unroll before their very eyes.. Admission $14.30
Let us know what valuable historical object you might have lying around in your attic, closet or basement.
